I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
