Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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