Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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