after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
