Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
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Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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