If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
