You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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