I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
