im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
are you so shy because you have an std?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
this hospital has no fireball
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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