You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
