the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
