Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
