it wasn't lemon gatorade
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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