Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pants are for mortals
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
