Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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