I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
