I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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