Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Found the puke drawer
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
