life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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