So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
