someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
