Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
