How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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