either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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