Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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