I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
