Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
