I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
