I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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