i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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