Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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