these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
