Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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