He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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