did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I am morally bankrupt
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
