i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
