my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Be still, my beating vagina.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
