i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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