Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
