Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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