He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
