If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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