I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
