my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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