My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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