she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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