i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
