i wish my penis had a tongue
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
