So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
