I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
