I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
