Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
