Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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