call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
