It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
