I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
